TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of spot. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have One more place in which American Guys can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply Everybody a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he should halt making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from space, a element being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the making's gold plating mirrored a lot Trump Tower Damascus of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Functions


Probably the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting focus from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD can have turn-down company."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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